I will write it someday

I put that there so I make sure I do write it. What I did this weekend was beautiful and envoking enough for a story or poem, but right now I dont have the energy to find out what it all means and how to describe it without sounding segmented and disjointed. So I will wait a little longer. I just visited my mom this weekend. That's all...

bored...yet again

i started just writing about boring shit...so i erased it and decided to write about something that didn't make me worry about myself.i almost cried yesterday. i went out to get something to drink at work and there was a dead dog on the side of the road. blood was on the ground around him and i could barely make out what it was because of the way he was slumped. i just saw this lump of bloody fur and as i drove past staring i could see a little ear. it was horrible. then i got to the circle k and some hispanic men whistled at me, and i got angry. i'm mourning this horrible death and no one cares...as a matter of fact they care even less now than before, because there's now something to care about. really kind of sad....

i was thinking

about going to see my mom tomorrow. visiting is 8-11 at perryville (which is in goodyear). my dad wants to look at my car, have our mechanic double check it. i say, knock yourself out, just get it back asap. i'll make that clear. maybe i can still do both. i'll figure it out. my dad seemed to be interested in loaning me 2 grand for the house (before everyone bursts into laughter, he got a huge insurance deal closed out recently). so basically, it's all up in the air.yesterday it was mentioned that i always have big plans and never come through. i wonder if that's just true for the small stuff or the big stuff too. lemme know...

yipee

it was an awesome night. cafe lalibela is awesome, and i feel i did a good deed since i gave the girl a big tip. i can't even describe it, because it'll sound cheezy and stupid. so, lets just say the night was perfect in every way. it's only crappy because now i have to work. yeah work.

so, that doesn't seem like so long

and it isn't. it's just one period of time in a lifetime of periods of time. i only conceed to this time period because my own death lies on the horizon, harshy criticizing and judging every move. but it can't judge this move, because it's beyond reproach. so, today is a day where nothing will hurt me or get to me because, while all other things might just be as unstable as possible, i have stable ground. what allows this stability is this thing that doesn't exist in one of us but between us both. it is an entity that is not under the control of either of us; if it were our imperfections and misunderstandings might cause it to break or be injured. no. this is beyond our ability to hurt or control. we maintain it but do not manipulate. it chose us and now we are in it for the long run. this is not a note of resignation, but of thanks. i give thanks that we could both be at a time in our lives where we could find this gift as well as accept it. we have worked to have this and now we benefit from our pains, problems, mistakes and sufferings. so, yes, we celebrate that moment that we were able to accept this gift, but such chance is engaged upon the proposal of that celebration fo time.time moves my vision of the world; makes me forget wrongs and rights that have been done to me. time makes me forget who my enemies are and even moreso my friends that allowed my survival. time is fickle, and while it is upposed to be steadfast, its existance implies an inevitable end to everything. tonight i celebrate something outside of anything's ability to manipulate it (including time and you and me and death and health...). so, have a great day today knowing that something exists that doesn't bother to concieve of what day it actually is.

i love the ghetto that is my work

on the way there there was a new billboard where a woman IS beer. they have the girl and she is lying down and they imposed a bottle of brew over her. her bikini is the pattern of the label and here hair is bubbly...what the fuck.going to see a house today. wish me luck. another nothing conversation with my dad where nothing was established and no new rules were set as to how we can and can not hurt one another. going to get some business done later today. i'm being lazy when it comes to taking repsonsibility for myself just because no one else i know is really in this position. i know it's not fair. but it's the best way to do things. in the past whenever i work my ass off and one person contributes one penny or one ounce of energy in my direction they decide that they are the be all and end all of my existance. they then later use that as an excuse to use me for a doormat. look, i don't need them, or their emotional garbage. it's not worth 10000 dollars to have them wreck my spirit repeatedly....i can get along without them...

this morning i woke up

hopefully it's not one of those mornings where the first couple of hours are a microchasm of my entire day, or i might be in trouble. i wake up and 5 minutes later i'm in the fetal position. my stomach again. it's weird because it was the pain that leads to physical illness, only it did eventually go away after about 20 minutes. but this morning i got a subtle reminder of why i hate truckers"hey ladies! be a flirt and raise that shirt and flash me, thank you"i was listening to a happy tune about chinchillas at the time and found myself screaming the lyrics with prejudice....WITH PREJUDICE (and i love chinchillas a great deal). I tried to speed up thinking i would flip him off instead, but there was a slow car in front and my exit was coming up. argh. so i flipped him off from afar. sigh.i think i've decided something too. i need to get out of this town this summer. it's time for me to kick ass and take names and make enough money to get out of here this summer, even if it is for a concert i would never go to in my actual life. it'll be fun. i like fun....

the end is near...or here

i was driving on the wrong side of the road because of construction and so i happened to drive towards a bus stop with a man in some state of disarray holding a sign that read: "no pre-trib. revelation". i thought it was interesting not only because he was fighting for our own suffering but because the "trib.", the suffering, wasn't the issue...he needed a revelation to make this pre-existant, blase suffering worth his time and effort and strength.

tgif

it's funny...i tend to feel lost because i see others purporting to have found their way that is so disparate from my own. other people project this image of what it should be and i guess me not following it scares them, makes them question me: "why take this way, my way is safer and kinder and softer when you fall down...""but i don't plan on falling...i guess if i do it's a long way down from the heights of discussion and stimulation that i have attained...."i remember plato used to talk about your soul's connection to the earth...if you live for the things of this earth your soul will always hover...at this point there's a realization of how far my mind has traveled from the mere vacades of normalcy and 'happiness'. i am too far beyond that point to pretend how i feel because it is so healing to be true to something and to let your soul loosen it's grip and fly. i realize they are so afraid because they have to worry about falling...they are so close already. their only hope is to hold on as tight as they can to the ground so they can feel no pain at falling...PS- it's someone's job to send me questions to fill out so i can alleviate boredom. GET ON IT.

bath

watching law and order. just finished a nice bath. rough day at work today. kind of tired really. my brain doesn't want to connect to that feeling that you know you feel. all i know is i crave ice cream and cleanliness and cool white rooms with tile flooring. instead this warm, disarrayed apartment. oh well. not everything in life is perfect.

afraid and nervous

to be blunt it's that time again, and i'm afraid so much. they said the hormones would help me not to get sick or be in pain, but i'm scared shitless. i was in such misery last time...i still feel bad for ruining the second viewing of the matrix for all of my friends... i'm at work too, so if i get sick it should get really interesting. making it worse is the fact that i'm on other medication for an unrelated problem that is making my liver worse, so i am tired and weak already. sort of wondering if the two problems are related, but whatever. i hope i pull through. dad called and apologized for being a rabid dufus, but then continued to bullshit me. my brain is done trying. T-minus 3 hours before work is over. yeah.

okay, one hour left

i have been trying to write in this all day, but i think i'm just being a whiney bitch. so, here's something totally unrelated to what's on my mind.so this guy comes into the office today with this girl who's about 35. he's about 75. so, he comes in and he picks up his order. they leave and kent tells me about the fact that this guy is like the hugh hefner of the geosynthetics industry in arizona. he's rich off his ass and has this 35 year old girlfriend. he has a bunch of construction jobsites across the state and he hires these peroxided daisy-duke like young girls to flag down traffic and load trucks and drive them. he pays them and basically buys them new body parts. funny stuff. he lives in cottonwood. how funny. the girl that came in was nice, but looked about dead she was so emaciated...except for her boobs. they were quite healthy, as well as fake. i laughed and laughed. it was good times. now there's about 45 minutes left at work. i might be dying.

so you say you're happy?

i wave of fatigue just hit me, and i am unsure why. maybe the idea that i am happy is a well contrived mask and it's taking me exorbitant amounts of energy to maintain it. or maybe not. either way, i feel just fine right now, despite the impending threat of a complete abandonment my my father. he dropped off my birth certificates and shit as a sign of his commitment to his childish behavior. when i read back what i wrote it seems like a bigger deal than it is. i guess he's been close to doing this for a long time, so it's not such a drastic step to this behavior. who knows how it'll turn out, i have no idea. it's interesting. i think my mom gets out in 2005...that's what i gather at least. hey, maybe i won't even have parents for a few years. surprisingly though, i'm not too paniked. my dad at least got that fafsa information taken care of and so i can get a grant or loans. i mean worst case scenario i'll get another job to pull in some extra money for if/when my dad stops my health insurance and car insurance, which i probably would be accurate if i said he's already stopped paying. unfortunately, i need to take time and discover the horrific effects of my dad on my credit for these last few years and attempt to take care of it. it's a little sad to think about being alone, without technical family, but maybe this is fate. my mom's mom has attempted to stay in contact this last month, which is quite shocking, and maybe it's time for me to recognize them, even though they've screwed me in the past. who knows, maybe they're all bastards and i should just get rid of them all. i really want to go visit my mom this weekend, and depending on when my car gets fixed, i might do just that. i feel very guilty for having not done anything about this. it's been six months since she's been put away and i have done little to arrange for contact. for a while i was just so upset. this time when she relapsed it was so personal. we had established what i had considered to be an actual relationship and then she, to me, just threw it away. but it's addiction, and addiction is separate from love of family. it's interesting how i feel so responsible for her. i was looking on the prison inmate site, where you can see stuff like their sentences and violations while inside and she got in trouble in march, and i just had this wave of guilt. like, if i had just been there... well, i guess i can't help it. i'll just go see her when i can and try to resolve these issues.

fun with faxes

a copy of the fax cover sheet i sent to my dad when he claimed he was basically leaving my life: I don’t know what this stuff is about a new family, because I don’t have one. I have myself, and you, and mom. That’s my family. I’m taking care of all of this myself, there is no mysterious other person helping me make it. I am just trying to get this damn grant so I won’t be totally stranded next year. Look, I love you, I just get frustrated and maybe this is the best way to let you know exactly how I feel. You made promises to me. You told me I could be a student first and focus on school, and I planned my life around that. I wanted to take lots of classes and improve myself, and do internships so I could get into the teaching field. Unfortunately, it didn’t come to fruition. I know you can’t control everything and I don’t expect you too. But you sometimes claim this complete lack of control over everything, and that is a stretch for me. You had me, you birthed me. You told me you wanted to be a good father (in saying that I could be a student and learn and get an education and future). I respect that. But you just plain didn’t follow through. I know you are having a rough go at things too, but you are the one with control over your life. You do have that control. You can quit your job or work more, or get another job. There are options. I’m not giving up either. I’m going out and I’m going to apply for grants and loans and try to sell my writing to journals if I can. I am sorry you are not happy right now. I am sorry life has been rough for you and me. But I’ve had a rough year too. My mom has been put in jail after I thought she was getting her life back together and my dad has fallen into a deep depression during which he’s lost his ability to be happy or to support himself or myself. I am not responsible for other people’s broken promises. But I am finding myself responsible for picking up the pieces and making repairs. So I just want your honesty. I know you mean well when you tell me these things you will do for me, but when it fails I have nothing. I am trying to become self sufficient so I can rely on myself. There is no one else. I am scared to death and alone, there are no soft options, but I am no longer going to pretend that it will instantly get better. This is a pattern that I can’t ignore and I refuse to become a victim to ‘circumstance’. I don’t want to end my relationship with you at all. I’m sorry you got that impression. I just am tired of being hurt and feeling responsible for your suffering. I’m done with the guilt trips. Yes, we are family, and family cares for family. But family also lets family know when it’s time to take responsibility or to hold onto their life. There is so much good to be had and seen, and maybe there’s a lot of road before the scenery, but the scenery will come. I may be afraid right now, but I know I will survive and flourish because I have the same options as everyone else…I want to hear from you again and there is no reason for us to stop communicating like we have been. I am just tired of fighting. But I don’t want to hear guilt or self-pity. I am not responsible for your problems. I’m sorry if that’s harsh, but I have problems of my own to sort out. A lot of broken promises to pick up and I guess I am too tired and broke to hear pity any more.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

my life = humor squared. i decide that i would call him back. maybe for three reasons: 1)i can't leave well enough alone 2)i wanted to give him the opportunity to take responsibility and 3) i wanted to give him the opportunity to piss me off so i could let him know what's what. actually, who knows why i called. anyway. so i get through and we get disconnected. he calls back and then i think i said i'm sorry but i'm just really frustrated at how things are going. he says 'don't think you're the only one'. (like i'm supposed to hold him and give him a teddy bear). but i said something like, look i'm not in control of this thing (meaning what he does or how much money he makes or the promises he gives out). he says that he's not really in control either. i clarify, saying 'what i meant was you're supposed to be the responsible one here'. he hung up.

work, work, work

this week i hope to be a productive one. i need to deep clean my apartment BADLY. i'm relatively close to moving out of my apartment, and need to start cleaning the place up. i really hope my credit isn't so shot to hell that it holds up the works at this new place. i should be making about a grand a month, which should take care of rent. i need to apply for some grants and scholarships next year, hardcore. translation: i need to literally stick a knife to my dad's neck and let him know that he NEEDS to provide me with the financial info i need to become self-sufficient. the patience i have for his behavior and attitudes is waning quickly, especially in the face of other relatively common problems. i just wished i understood what he thought. unfortunately, when i attempt to do so i am highly unimpressed with his level of immaturity and lack of responsibility. every time i bring up a responsibility he's failed at he first attempts to pretend he's about to take care of it. when i make him aware that he doesn't have the ability to take care of him, or ask him exactly what is planned that would assure it being completed, he gets defensive and just says it's none of my business. i remind him that, like most things he's supposed to be paying for, that it reflects on me, and that i have a life and responsibilities, and he promised this would not happen or be an issue. he then proceeds to act like he's the victim, telling me how miserable and/or poor he is and how maybe he deserves nice things or accommodations like mine (the ones he talks about are the ones that i have worked and paid for myself). i then mention that he has the abilities to do just that, and he bitches and bitches. ohhh! fancy that! he just called as i was typing this tirade. i ask, 'how are things?'. 'pretty crummy' i say, 'ok'. he says in this sad, pathetic voice 'i'm sorry, i can't push these things to happen'...he asks what's going on with the car and i say it should be getting fixed this week, that i'm taking care of it. then i said that i'm also taking care of rent, since that's obviously not taken care of. maybe it was at this point that he said he was sorry. i don't really remember. i said i didn't care, and he seemed to take this as an out, so i reminded him that i did care, that i just was too tired to be upset anymore at him about it. i said he should call his parents, that they had called me looking for him. he said okay. i said i didn't know what else to tell him and then he hung up on me. i'm sure he cried or allowed himself to feel really bad afterwards because poor him, he's so poor and a failure at life, but frankly that's not my responsibility. what a wonderful way to start my day. i hope he calls back and we can experience more bonding.

funny thing...

a funny thing happened to me on the way to the office this morning. i saw a chain gang out by the freeway picking up trash, and for a second i thought i saw christina. but then it wasn't her and i realized that my life is sort of silly sometimes. oh, that and i really need to find out where her kids are and give them my support. they are good kids and shouldn't let their mom mess up their life...and i know what they're going through is not fun. i got some stuff that others have claimed to be great help with the stomach pain, so i'm giving it a shot. hope it works.

trying to describe something beautiful

i think other people in the office have a different feeling about this than i do. i don't really know what that means for me. i think sometimes nature has a way of showing you at just the right time how beautiful life is, just for existing. i heard that there was a beehive outside. i went to see what the commotion was about, and i saw this mass of movement around a pallet of wire backing. it was just this ball of unity. it was amazing how it could be in perpetual motion yet completely static in its shape and size. of course, someone came and got rid of it. i wonder if they respect it like they should or if its destruction is just a part of their life experiences. it was a beautiful thing that helped me recognize what is important.

pain

internal stabbing. it feels like a creature trying to scrape its way out of my internal organs. i wonder if it will ever get out...

delusion

i am feeling like i am going to pass out. i guess i should eat before i take medication. but i think this is a good way to write, delusional. i wasn't planning on writing today. i feel dizzy and maybe like it'll make me honest with myself. last night was a beautiful night. i was horribly happy with what i felt going on inside of me, how unafraid i was for once, and able to assert my position without fearing complete isolation. i realized how odd i think it is to cry when you are happy. it's an act i thought was confused and muddles, even i thought i had done it once. my mother and i had stopped the literal exhange of blows with the words we didn't even know how to pronounce, let alone speak and mean and feel. but she seemed to pull a promise from the words to say she was alone like me and didn't want to be anymore. even then the words were so jumbled together as to fit both her true meaning for the words and the drunken state she was in whe she spoke them. right then i thought i'd cry becaue i was happy that she found a voice. i found the voice to tell her i knew she was true, but now that i think about it i was as drunk, but on some other liquor that made me cry a lot more than i usually do with her around. i always remember that memory when people talk about crying of joy. i was reminded of that last night and then subsequently realized i didn't even know how to find the words i had purported to live and breathe and weep. joy was the act of some kind of antagonized paranoia. joy didn't have it's own voice outside of survival and adaptation. i find it amazing how muddled that J-O-Y was with all the other letters and words that had no place there. who knows, maybe right now i am still looking in a dictionary for things to define themselves through example instead of through action. i wonder if she knew somewhere that my words were misused and abused. but we were both searching and now she's searching alone and i am searching, spiraling away from ground zero. i think i found a voice, but i talk about it at a time when the words on the page are spinning around as well, so maybe i have yet to define myself and the words i purport to feel...

damn

i don't know why, maybe it's just the fatigue...i all of a sudden started to feel crappy. i guess i'm nervous about the car not making it to friday, or me warping the engine, or me not getting this money. and god knows i'm not assertive enough to ask for that much, but now that it was brought up in conversation, i'm kind of betting everything on it. no way will i ask about it, but i'm so nervous. god i'm ineffective sometimes.

change

i forgot to take all my pills this morning. oops. maybe my stomach is psychic and knew i wasn't going to take them...it started to hurt in the shower this morning really bad. my dad apparently text messaged me in the middle of the night telling me to call dave. he either never called, and thus wants me to care enough for both of us or he already talked to him and got some crazy prognosis that he wants me to talk about. frankly, i trust the general competency of my doctors. i trust it enough to know that they'll find out what it is eventually. and a few more months of this won't kill me. i've lived through far worse. i'm at work, yet again. really excited to pick up my car today so i can get my shit and go home to my dank apartment, which really needs cleaning. maybe i'll do it today. well, at the very least i can eat yummy pasta and watch law and order. for what could have been a very uncomfortable week, i felt really good. i don't know why i'm in such good spirits, i don't ask those kind of questions of myself too often. my grandma is sending me a gift certificate to try to revive our relationship. it's a hard tightrope to walk. i can't have my dad knowing i am relating to the enemy, or vice versa. it's amazing how disparate one story can get after years of brooding. after this whole fiasco is settled maybe i can start all the projects i wanted to this summer, starting with a deep cleaning of my apartment. it needs it. i need it. it's funny how i always feel like i have to feel like a change before a change can occur. in my mind there is always this perfect time and place where i can see the sky clearly and point in the direction i want to go. but really i'm sick, and tired. that's when change is the most desired and needed. maybe i'll start today. but my head says i have so much to do, but i know that's a lie. i need to make time for changes in the way i handle crisis or how i handle my health or my potential. hell, maybe i'll even start to exercise. god knows it couldn't hurt me any. what good are these little epiphanies that never seem to lead anywhere? i hope they do something; change my brain a little to think more along the lines of what could be as opposed to what i live in now. otherwise, how else will i become this person i want to be or live the life i want to live? today i'm going to treat myself the way i deserve to be treated...maybe. i wish my stomach would stop hurting

limbo

at this point i am unsure how i feel, which is a new one for me. i am happy, content with life. i think that concerns me; i see the same patterns occuring and reoccuring that have hurt me so many times before, but this time i am able to distract myself with other things that bring me joy. the fact that my philosophy has always encouraged me to tackle pain head on is being morphed by the fact that i had never felt anything but pain. i want to admit that it wasn't working. so the same things surround me, the same dysfunctions, but i am able to be happy despite that. maybe that is truly the test of my faith in love or my faith in myself; to be able to turn my back on the guilty conscious that typifies the dysfunction in which i was raised. i am beginning to find a self-definition that excludes my painful past. for now i am with a person i love, and life doesn't really seem to be as dire. the threats of severance and lack of support no longer hurt me like they could of when i was weaker. so i should be happy. but the use of the word 'should' makes me even more unsure about my feelings. i am happy with my life...but i am ready to begin it as well. now that i have found myself able to let go of this dysfunctional circle that has held me back for so long i feel this dire responsibility to perform. i have the capabilities for so many things, but recovery is taking up my time and energy. i guess there is a lack of accomplishment, which has always plagued me, returning in a different form. who knows, maybe i never really let go of this cycle to begin with. i guess time will tell, but i don't have any more time to waste on wasting my life away.

death to cars.

so, car might be done for after only 3 or 4 months of use. it's almost inconceivably stressful. it seems like other people have some sort of fall back option. they can use their parent's car, or borrow their parents money, or at least get emotional support. i just feel like i'm missing that sort of support. but such is life. nothing that happens to me will change others. i have such joy and prosperity in some areas of my life but yet other areas will continue to rot. sometimes i think the only answer is to 'pull weeds' (as to continue a shot metaphor). i just don't know how to say goodbye or how to just dismiss family. what do i owe to those who bore me? i've mulled over this for a long time and always seem to get hurt trying to produce a difinitive answer. i want so badly for something magical to make these people into what i know they can be, but i don't think that it will happen.