fun with faxes

a copy of the fax cover sheet i sent to my dad when he claimed he was basically leaving my life: I don’t know what this stuff is about a new family, because I don’t have one. I have myself, and you, and mom. That’s my family. I’m taking care of all of this myself, there is no mysterious other person helping me make it. I am just trying to get this damn grant so I won’t be totally stranded next year. Look, I love you, I just get frustrated and maybe this is the best way to let you know exactly how I feel. You made promises to me. You told me I could be a student first and focus on school, and I planned my life around that. I wanted to take lots of classes and improve myself, and do internships so I could get into the teaching field. Unfortunately, it didn’t come to fruition. I know you can’t control everything and I don’t expect you too. But you sometimes claim this complete lack of control over everything, and that is a stretch for me. You had me, you birthed me. You told me you wanted to be a good father (in saying that I could be a student and learn and get an education and future). I respect that. But you just plain didn’t follow through. I know you are having a rough go at things too, but you are the one with control over your life. You do have that control. You can quit your job or work more, or get another job. There are options. I’m not giving up either. I’m going out and I’m going to apply for grants and loans and try to sell my writing to journals if I can. I am sorry you are not happy right now. I am sorry life has been rough for you and me. But I’ve had a rough year too. My mom has been put in jail after I thought she was getting her life back together and my dad has fallen into a deep depression during which he’s lost his ability to be happy or to support himself or myself. I am not responsible for other people’s broken promises. But I am finding myself responsible for picking up the pieces and making repairs. So I just want your honesty. I know you mean well when you tell me these things you will do for me, but when it fails I have nothing. I am trying to become self sufficient so I can rely on myself. There is no one else. I am scared to death and alone, there are no soft options, but I am no longer going to pretend that it will instantly get better. This is a pattern that I can’t ignore and I refuse to become a victim to ‘circumstance’. I don’t want to end my relationship with you at all. I’m sorry you got that impression. I just am tired of being hurt and feeling responsible for your suffering. I’m done with the guilt trips. Yes, we are family, and family cares for family. But family also lets family know when it’s time to take responsibility or to hold onto their life. There is so much good to be had and seen, and maybe there’s a lot of road before the scenery, but the scenery will come. I may be afraid right now, but I know I will survive and flourish because I have the same options as everyone else…I want to hear from you again and there is no reason for us to stop communicating like we have been. I am just tired of fighting. But I don’t want to hear guilt or self-pity. I am not responsible for your problems. I’m sorry if that’s harsh, but I have problems of my own to sort out. A lot of broken promises to pick up and I guess I am too tired and broke to hear pity any more.