i don't know how i feel right now

this morning on my drive to work i got this rabid feeling of self-righteousness. i was more or less thinking about work, the 'situation' there, and my dad, and kind of my mom (though the trip to see her made me feel better). who are these people? why have i become the nexus of their fucked up little universes. i remember my grandma telling me that i am the be all and end all of his world. i don't WANT TO BE. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. i haven't been able to get through to him in 2 days. i must be horribly naive. right now, i can only imagine where he is and what he's doing...or recovering from. but i'll finally get in touch with him and everything will seem so fine; i'll wonder why i was suspicious at all. what the hell is wrong with me? i must be the most ignorant person on earth. i have lived with addicts all my life and i still can't see that any of them are lying. i don't understand my ignorance any more than i understand their addictions. i should sue every woman that he's been with and steal everything they own. i should call every hotel or motel in the mesa area and tell them all about me, working my ass off right now, alone. maybe then they'd kick him out. i'd just be making someone else accountable for him. something needs to happen. should i take drastic actions? he needs to know he's not fooling anyone, but everytime i tell him he makes me feel foolish. fuck it.

I will write it someday

I put that there so I make sure I do write it. What I did this weekend was beautiful and envoking enough for a story or poem, but right now I dont have the energy to find out what it all means and how to describe it without sounding segmented and disjointed. So I will wait a little longer. I just visited my mom this weekend. That's all...

bored...yet again

i started just writing about boring shit...so i erased it and decided to write about something that didn't make me worry about myself.i almost cried yesterday. i went out to get something to drink at work and there was a dead dog on the side of the road. blood was on the ground around him and i could barely make out what it was because of the way he was slumped. i just saw this lump of bloody fur and as i drove past staring i could see a little ear. it was horrible. then i got to the circle k and some hispanic men whistled at me, and i got angry. i'm mourning this horrible death and no one cares...as a matter of fact they care even less now than before, because there's now something to care about. really kind of sad....

i was thinking

about going to see my mom tomorrow. visiting is 8-11 at perryville (which is in goodyear). my dad wants to look at my car, have our mechanic double check it. i say, knock yourself out, just get it back asap. i'll make that clear. maybe i can still do both. i'll figure it out. my dad seemed to be interested in loaning me 2 grand for the house (before everyone bursts into laughter, he got a huge insurance deal closed out recently). so basically, it's all up in the air.yesterday it was mentioned that i always have big plans and never come through. i wonder if that's just true for the small stuff or the big stuff too. lemme know...

yipee

it was an awesome night. cafe lalibela is awesome, and i feel i did a good deed since i gave the girl a big tip. i can't even describe it, because it'll sound cheezy and stupid. so, lets just say the night was perfect in every way. it's only crappy because now i have to work. yeah work.

so, that doesn't seem like so long

and it isn't. it's just one period of time in a lifetime of periods of time. i only conceed to this time period because my own death lies on the horizon, harshy criticizing and judging every move. but it can't judge this move, because it's beyond reproach. so, today is a day where nothing will hurt me or get to me because, while all other things might just be as unstable as possible, i have stable ground. what allows this stability is this thing that doesn't exist in one of us but between us both. it is an entity that is not under the control of either of us; if it were our imperfections and misunderstandings might cause it to break or be injured. no. this is beyond our ability to hurt or control. we maintain it but do not manipulate. it chose us and now we are in it for the long run. this is not a note of resignation, but of thanks. i give thanks that we could both be at a time in our lives where we could find this gift as well as accept it. we have worked to have this and now we benefit from our pains, problems, mistakes and sufferings. so, yes, we celebrate that moment that we were able to accept this gift, but such chance is engaged upon the proposal of that celebration fo time.time moves my vision of the world; makes me forget wrongs and rights that have been done to me. time makes me forget who my enemies are and even moreso my friends that allowed my survival. time is fickle, and while it is upposed to be steadfast, its existance implies an inevitable end to everything. tonight i celebrate something outside of anything's ability to manipulate it (including time and you and me and death and health...). so, have a great day today knowing that something exists that doesn't bother to concieve of what day it actually is.

i love the ghetto that is my work

on the way there there was a new billboard where a woman IS beer. they have the girl and she is lying down and they imposed a bottle of brew over her. her bikini is the pattern of the label and here hair is bubbly...what the fuck.going to see a house today. wish me luck. another nothing conversation with my dad where nothing was established and no new rules were set as to how we can and can not hurt one another. going to get some business done later today. i'm being lazy when it comes to taking repsonsibility for myself just because no one else i know is really in this position. i know it's not fair. but it's the best way to do things. in the past whenever i work my ass off and one person contributes one penny or one ounce of energy in my direction they decide that they are the be all and end all of my existance. they then later use that as an excuse to use me for a doormat. look, i don't need them, or their emotional garbage. it's not worth 10000 dollars to have them wreck my spirit repeatedly....i can get along without them...