so you say you're happy?

i wave of fatigue just hit me, and i am unsure why. maybe the idea that i am happy is a well contrived mask and it's taking me exorbitant amounts of energy to maintain it. or maybe not. either way, i feel just fine right now, despite the impending threat of a complete abandonment my my father. he dropped off my birth certificates and shit as a sign of his commitment to his childish behavior. when i read back what i wrote it seems like a bigger deal than it is. i guess he's been close to doing this for a long time, so it's not such a drastic step to this behavior. who knows how it'll turn out, i have no idea. it's interesting. i think my mom gets out in 2005...that's what i gather at least. hey, maybe i won't even have parents for a few years. surprisingly though, i'm not too paniked. my dad at least got that fafsa information taken care of and so i can get a grant or loans. i mean worst case scenario i'll get another job to pull in some extra money for if/when my dad stops my health insurance and car insurance, which i probably would be accurate if i said he's already stopped paying. unfortunately, i need to take time and discover the horrific effects of my dad on my credit for these last few years and attempt to take care of it. it's a little sad to think about being alone, without technical family, but maybe this is fate. my mom's mom has attempted to stay in contact this last month, which is quite shocking, and maybe it's time for me to recognize them, even though they've screwed me in the past. who knows, maybe they're all bastards and i should just get rid of them all. i really want to go visit my mom this weekend, and depending on when my car gets fixed, i might do just that. i feel very guilty for having not done anything about this. it's been six months since she's been put away and i have done little to arrange for contact. for a while i was just so upset. this time when she relapsed it was so personal. we had established what i had considered to be an actual relationship and then she, to me, just threw it away. but it's addiction, and addiction is separate from love of family. it's interesting how i feel so responsible for her. i was looking on the prison inmate site, where you can see stuff like their sentences and violations while inside and she got in trouble in march, and i just had this wave of guilt. like, if i had just been there... well, i guess i can't help it. i'll just go see her when i can and try to resolve these issues.