change

i forgot to take all my pills this morning. oops. maybe my stomach is psychic and knew i wasn't going to take them...it started to hurt in the shower this morning really bad. my dad apparently text messaged me in the middle of the night telling me to call dave. he either never called, and thus wants me to care enough for both of us or he already talked to him and got some crazy prognosis that he wants me to talk about. frankly, i trust the general competency of my doctors. i trust it enough to know that they'll find out what it is eventually. and a few more months of this won't kill me. i've lived through far worse. i'm at work, yet again. really excited to pick up my car today so i can get my shit and go home to my dank apartment, which really needs cleaning. maybe i'll do it today. well, at the very least i can eat yummy pasta and watch law and order. for what could have been a very uncomfortable week, i felt really good. i don't know why i'm in such good spirits, i don't ask those kind of questions of myself too often. my grandma is sending me a gift certificate to try to revive our relationship. it's a hard tightrope to walk. i can't have my dad knowing i am relating to the enemy, or vice versa. it's amazing how disparate one story can get after years of brooding. after this whole fiasco is settled maybe i can start all the projects i wanted to this summer, starting with a deep cleaning of my apartment. it needs it. i need it. it's funny how i always feel like i have to feel like a change before a change can occur. in my mind there is always this perfect time and place where i can see the sky clearly and point in the direction i want to go. but really i'm sick, and tired. that's when change is the most desired and needed. maybe i'll start today. but my head says i have so much to do, but i know that's a lie. i need to make time for changes in the way i handle crisis or how i handle my health or my potential. hell, maybe i'll even start to exercise. god knows it couldn't hurt me any. what good are these little epiphanies that never seem to lead anywhere? i hope they do something; change my brain a little to think more along the lines of what could be as opposed to what i live in now. otherwise, how else will i become this person i want to be or live the life i want to live? today i'm going to treat myself the way i deserve to be treated...maybe. i wish my stomach would stop hurting