work, work, work

this week i hope to be a productive one. i need to deep clean my apartment BADLY. i'm relatively close to moving out of my apartment, and need to start cleaning the place up. i really hope my credit isn't so shot to hell that it holds up the works at this new place. i should be making about a grand a month, which should take care of rent. i need to apply for some grants and scholarships next year, hardcore. translation: i need to literally stick a knife to my dad's neck and let him know that he NEEDS to provide me with the financial info i need to become self-sufficient. the patience i have for his behavior and attitudes is waning quickly, especially in the face of other relatively common problems. i just wished i understood what he thought. unfortunately, when i attempt to do so i am highly unimpressed with his level of immaturity and lack of responsibility. every time i bring up a responsibility he's failed at he first attempts to pretend he's about to take care of it. when i make him aware that he doesn't have the ability to take care of him, or ask him exactly what is planned that would assure it being completed, he gets defensive and just says it's none of my business. i remind him that, like most things he's supposed to be paying for, that it reflects on me, and that i have a life and responsibilities, and he promised this would not happen or be an issue. he then proceeds to act like he's the victim, telling me how miserable and/or poor he is and how maybe he deserves nice things or accommodations like mine (the ones he talks about are the ones that i have worked and paid for myself). i then mention that he has the abilities to do just that, and he bitches and bitches. ohhh! fancy that! he just called as i was typing this tirade. i ask, 'how are things?'. 'pretty crummy' i say, 'ok'. he says in this sad, pathetic voice 'i'm sorry, i can't push these things to happen'...he asks what's going on with the car and i say it should be getting fixed this week, that i'm taking care of it. then i said that i'm also taking care of rent, since that's obviously not taken care of. maybe it was at this point that he said he was sorry. i don't really remember. i said i didn't care, and he seemed to take this as an out, so i reminded him that i did care, that i just was too tired to be upset anymore at him about it. i said he should call his parents, that they had called me looking for him. he said okay. i said i didn't know what else to tell him and then he hung up on me. i'm sure he cried or allowed himself to feel really bad afterwards because poor him, he's so poor and a failure at life, but frankly that's not my responsibility. what a wonderful way to start my day. i hope he calls back and we can experience more bonding.

funny thing...

a funny thing happened to me on the way to the office this morning. i saw a chain gang out by the freeway picking up trash, and for a second i thought i saw christina. but then it wasn't her and i realized that my life is sort of silly sometimes. oh, that and i really need to find out where her kids are and give them my support. they are good kids and shouldn't let their mom mess up their life...and i know what they're going through is not fun. i got some stuff that others have claimed to be great help with the stomach pain, so i'm giving it a shot. hope it works.

trying to describe something beautiful

i think other people in the office have a different feeling about this than i do. i don't really know what that means for me. i think sometimes nature has a way of showing you at just the right time how beautiful life is, just for existing. i heard that there was a beehive outside. i went to see what the commotion was about, and i saw this mass of movement around a pallet of wire backing. it was just this ball of unity. it was amazing how it could be in perpetual motion yet completely static in its shape and size. of course, someone came and got rid of it. i wonder if they respect it like they should or if its destruction is just a part of their life experiences. it was a beautiful thing that helped me recognize what is important.

pain

internal stabbing. it feels like a creature trying to scrape its way out of my internal organs. i wonder if it will ever get out...

delusion

i am feeling like i am going to pass out. i guess i should eat before i take medication. but i think this is a good way to write, delusional. i wasn't planning on writing today. i feel dizzy and maybe like it'll make me honest with myself. last night was a beautiful night. i was horribly happy with what i felt going on inside of me, how unafraid i was for once, and able to assert my position without fearing complete isolation. i realized how odd i think it is to cry when you are happy. it's an act i thought was confused and muddles, even i thought i had done it once. my mother and i had stopped the literal exhange of blows with the words we didn't even know how to pronounce, let alone speak and mean and feel. but she seemed to pull a promise from the words to say she was alone like me and didn't want to be anymore. even then the words were so jumbled together as to fit both her true meaning for the words and the drunken state she was in whe she spoke them. right then i thought i'd cry becaue i was happy that she found a voice. i found the voice to tell her i knew she was true, but now that i think about it i was as drunk, but on some other liquor that made me cry a lot more than i usually do with her around. i always remember that memory when people talk about crying of joy. i was reminded of that last night and then subsequently realized i didn't even know how to find the words i had purported to live and breathe and weep. joy was the act of some kind of antagonized paranoia. joy didn't have it's own voice outside of survival and adaptation. i find it amazing how muddled that J-O-Y was with all the other letters and words that had no place there. who knows, maybe right now i am still looking in a dictionary for things to define themselves through example instead of through action. i wonder if she knew somewhere that my words were misused and abused. but we were both searching and now she's searching alone and i am searching, spiraling away from ground zero. i think i found a voice, but i talk about it at a time when the words on the page are spinning around as well, so maybe i have yet to define myself and the words i purport to feel...

damn

i don't know why, maybe it's just the fatigue...i all of a sudden started to feel crappy. i guess i'm nervous about the car not making it to friday, or me warping the engine, or me not getting this money. and god knows i'm not assertive enough to ask for that much, but now that it was brought up in conversation, i'm kind of betting everything on it. no way will i ask about it, but i'm so nervous. god i'm ineffective sometimes.

change

i forgot to take all my pills this morning. oops. maybe my stomach is psychic and knew i wasn't going to take them...it started to hurt in the shower this morning really bad. my dad apparently text messaged me in the middle of the night telling me to call dave. he either never called, and thus wants me to care enough for both of us or he already talked to him and got some crazy prognosis that he wants me to talk about. frankly, i trust the general competency of my doctors. i trust it enough to know that they'll find out what it is eventually. and a few more months of this won't kill me. i've lived through far worse. i'm at work, yet again. really excited to pick up my car today so i can get my shit and go home to my dank apartment, which really needs cleaning. maybe i'll do it today. well, at the very least i can eat yummy pasta and watch law and order. for what could have been a very uncomfortable week, i felt really good. i don't know why i'm in such good spirits, i don't ask those kind of questions of myself too often. my grandma is sending me a gift certificate to try to revive our relationship. it's a hard tightrope to walk. i can't have my dad knowing i am relating to the enemy, or vice versa. it's amazing how disparate one story can get after years of brooding. after this whole fiasco is settled maybe i can start all the projects i wanted to this summer, starting with a deep cleaning of my apartment. it needs it. i need it. it's funny how i always feel like i have to feel like a change before a change can occur. in my mind there is always this perfect time and place where i can see the sky clearly and point in the direction i want to go. but really i'm sick, and tired. that's when change is the most desired and needed. maybe i'll start today. but my head says i have so much to do, but i know that's a lie. i need to make time for changes in the way i handle crisis or how i handle my health or my potential. hell, maybe i'll even start to exercise. god knows it couldn't hurt me any. what good are these little epiphanies that never seem to lead anywhere? i hope they do something; change my brain a little to think more along the lines of what could be as opposed to what i live in now. otherwise, how else will i become this person i want to be or live the life i want to live? today i'm going to treat myself the way i deserve to be treated...maybe. i wish my stomach would stop hurting