the end is near...or here

i was driving on the wrong side of the road because of construction and so i happened to drive towards a bus stop with a man in some state of disarray holding a sign that read: "no pre-trib. revelation". i thought it was interesting not only because he was fighting for our own suffering but because the "trib.", the suffering, wasn't the issue...he needed a revelation to make this pre-existant, blase suffering worth his time and effort and strength.

tgif

it's funny...i tend to feel lost because i see others purporting to have found their way that is so disparate from my own. other people project this image of what it should be and i guess me not following it scares them, makes them question me: "why take this way, my way is safer and kinder and softer when you fall down...""but i don't plan on falling...i guess if i do it's a long way down from the heights of discussion and stimulation that i have attained...."i remember plato used to talk about your soul's connection to the earth...if you live for the things of this earth your soul will always hover...at this point there's a realization of how far my mind has traveled from the mere vacades of normalcy and 'happiness'. i am too far beyond that point to pretend how i feel because it is so healing to be true to something and to let your soul loosen it's grip and fly. i realize they are so afraid because they have to worry about falling...they are so close already. their only hope is to hold on as tight as they can to the ground so they can feel no pain at falling...PS- it's someone's job to send me questions to fill out so i can alleviate boredom. GET ON IT.

bath

watching law and order. just finished a nice bath. rough day at work today. kind of tired really. my brain doesn't want to connect to that feeling that you know you feel. all i know is i crave ice cream and cleanliness and cool white rooms with tile flooring. instead this warm, disarrayed apartment. oh well. not everything in life is perfect.

afraid and nervous

to be blunt it's that time again, and i'm afraid so much. they said the hormones would help me not to get sick or be in pain, but i'm scared shitless. i was in such misery last time...i still feel bad for ruining the second viewing of the matrix for all of my friends... i'm at work too, so if i get sick it should get really interesting. making it worse is the fact that i'm on other medication for an unrelated problem that is making my liver worse, so i am tired and weak already. sort of wondering if the two problems are related, but whatever. i hope i pull through. dad called and apologized for being a rabid dufus, but then continued to bullshit me. my brain is done trying. T-minus 3 hours before work is over. yeah.

okay, one hour left

i have been trying to write in this all day, but i think i'm just being a whiney bitch. so, here's something totally unrelated to what's on my mind.so this guy comes into the office today with this girl who's about 35. he's about 75. so, he comes in and he picks up his order. they leave and kent tells me about the fact that this guy is like the hugh hefner of the geosynthetics industry in arizona. he's rich off his ass and has this 35 year old girlfriend. he has a bunch of construction jobsites across the state and he hires these peroxided daisy-duke like young girls to flag down traffic and load trucks and drive them. he pays them and basically buys them new body parts. funny stuff. he lives in cottonwood. how funny. the girl that came in was nice, but looked about dead she was so emaciated...except for her boobs. they were quite healthy, as well as fake. i laughed and laughed. it was good times. now there's about 45 minutes left at work. i might be dying.

so you say you're happy?

i wave of fatigue just hit me, and i am unsure why. maybe the idea that i am happy is a well contrived mask and it's taking me exorbitant amounts of energy to maintain it. or maybe not. either way, i feel just fine right now, despite the impending threat of a complete abandonment my my father. he dropped off my birth certificates and shit as a sign of his commitment to his childish behavior. when i read back what i wrote it seems like a bigger deal than it is. i guess he's been close to doing this for a long time, so it's not such a drastic step to this behavior. who knows how it'll turn out, i have no idea. it's interesting. i think my mom gets out in 2005...that's what i gather at least. hey, maybe i won't even have parents for a few years. surprisingly though, i'm not too paniked. my dad at least got that fafsa information taken care of and so i can get a grant or loans. i mean worst case scenario i'll get another job to pull in some extra money for if/when my dad stops my health insurance and car insurance, which i probably would be accurate if i said he's already stopped paying. unfortunately, i need to take time and discover the horrific effects of my dad on my credit for these last few years and attempt to take care of it. it's a little sad to think about being alone, without technical family, but maybe this is fate. my mom's mom has attempted to stay in contact this last month, which is quite shocking, and maybe it's time for me to recognize them, even though they've screwed me in the past. who knows, maybe they're all bastards and i should just get rid of them all. i really want to go visit my mom this weekend, and depending on when my car gets fixed, i might do just that. i feel very guilty for having not done anything about this. it's been six months since she's been put away and i have done little to arrange for contact. for a while i was just so upset. this time when she relapsed it was so personal. we had established what i had considered to be an actual relationship and then she, to me, just threw it away. but it's addiction, and addiction is separate from love of family. it's interesting how i feel so responsible for her. i was looking on the prison inmate site, where you can see stuff like their sentences and violations while inside and she got in trouble in march, and i just had this wave of guilt. like, if i had just been there... well, i guess i can't help it. i'll just go see her when i can and try to resolve these issues.

fun with faxes

a copy of the fax cover sheet i sent to my dad when he claimed he was basically leaving my life: I don’t know what this stuff is about a new family, because I don’t have one. I have myself, and you, and mom. That’s my family. I’m taking care of all of this myself, there is no mysterious other person helping me make it. I am just trying to get this damn grant so I won’t be totally stranded next year. Look, I love you, I just get frustrated and maybe this is the best way to let you know exactly how I feel. You made promises to me. You told me I could be a student first and focus on school, and I planned my life around that. I wanted to take lots of classes and improve myself, and do internships so I could get into the teaching field. Unfortunately, it didn’t come to fruition. I know you can’t control everything and I don’t expect you too. But you sometimes claim this complete lack of control over everything, and that is a stretch for me. You had me, you birthed me. You told me you wanted to be a good father (in saying that I could be a student and learn and get an education and future). I respect that. But you just plain didn’t follow through. I know you are having a rough go at things too, but you are the one with control over your life. You do have that control. You can quit your job or work more, or get another job. There are options. I’m not giving up either. I’m going out and I’m going to apply for grants and loans and try to sell my writing to journals if I can. I am sorry you are not happy right now. I am sorry life has been rough for you and me. But I’ve had a rough year too. My mom has been put in jail after I thought she was getting her life back together and my dad has fallen into a deep depression during which he’s lost his ability to be happy or to support himself or myself. I am not responsible for other people’s broken promises. But I am finding myself responsible for picking up the pieces and making repairs. So I just want your honesty. I know you mean well when you tell me these things you will do for me, but when it fails I have nothing. I am trying to become self sufficient so I can rely on myself. There is no one else. I am scared to death and alone, there are no soft options, but I am no longer going to pretend that it will instantly get better. This is a pattern that I can’t ignore and I refuse to become a victim to ‘circumstance’. I don’t want to end my relationship with you at all. I’m sorry you got that impression. I just am tired of being hurt and feeling responsible for your suffering. I’m done with the guilt trips. Yes, we are family, and family cares for family. But family also lets family know when it’s time to take responsibility or to hold onto their life. There is so much good to be had and seen, and maybe there’s a lot of road before the scenery, but the scenery will come. I may be afraid right now, but I know I will survive and flourish because I have the same options as everyone else…I want to hear from you again and there is no reason for us to stop communicating like we have been. I am just tired of fighting. But I don’t want to hear guilt or self-pity. I am not responsible for your problems. I’m sorry if that’s harsh, but I have problems of my own to sort out. A lot of broken promises to pick up and I guess I am too tired and broke to hear pity any more.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

my life = humor squared. i decide that i would call him back. maybe for three reasons: 1)i can't leave well enough alone 2)i wanted to give him the opportunity to take responsibility and 3) i wanted to give him the opportunity to piss me off so i could let him know what's what. actually, who knows why i called. anyway. so i get through and we get disconnected. he calls back and then i think i said i'm sorry but i'm just really frustrated at how things are going. he says 'don't think you're the only one'. (like i'm supposed to hold him and give him a teddy bear). but i said something like, look i'm not in control of this thing (meaning what he does or how much money he makes or the promises he gives out). he says that he's not really in control either. i clarify, saying 'what i meant was you're supposed to be the responsible one here'. he hung up.