limbo

at this point i am unsure how i feel, which is a new one for me. i am happy, content with life. i think that concerns me; i see the same patterns occuring and reoccuring that have hurt me so many times before, but this time i am able to distract myself with other things that bring me joy. the fact that my philosophy has always encouraged me to tackle pain head on is being morphed by the fact that i had never felt anything but pain. i want to admit that it wasn't working. so the same things surround me, the same dysfunctions, but i am able to be happy despite that. maybe that is truly the test of my faith in love or my faith in myself; to be able to turn my back on the guilty conscious that typifies the dysfunction in which i was raised. i am beginning to find a self-definition that excludes my painful past. for now i am with a person i love, and life doesn't really seem to be as dire. the threats of severance and lack of support no longer hurt me like they could of when i was weaker. so i should be happy. but the use of the word 'should' makes me even more unsure about my feelings. i am happy with my life...but i am ready to begin it as well. now that i have found myself able to let go of this dysfunctional circle that has held me back for so long i feel this dire responsibility to perform. i have the capabilities for so many things, but recovery is taking up my time and energy. i guess there is a lack of accomplishment, which has always plagued me, returning in a different form. who knows, maybe i never really let go of this cycle to begin with. i guess time will tell, but i don't have any more time to waste on wasting my life away.

death to cars.

so, car might be done for after only 3 or 4 months of use. it's almost inconceivably stressful. it seems like other people have some sort of fall back option. they can use their parent's car, or borrow their parents money, or at least get emotional support. i just feel like i'm missing that sort of support. but such is life. nothing that happens to me will change others. i have such joy and prosperity in some areas of my life but yet other areas will continue to rot. sometimes i think the only answer is to 'pull weeds' (as to continue a shot metaphor). i just don't know how to say goodbye or how to just dismiss family. what do i owe to those who bore me? i've mulled over this for a long time and always seem to get hurt trying to produce a difinitive answer. i want so badly for something magical to make these people into what i know they can be, but i don't think that it will happen.